LIFE.

if i want to write a book someday, i probably shouldn't neglect this. i write something most every day, but rarely does anyone see it besides me and God. so here's some nuggets about what my life has been like for the past month. by prefacing all of this with the thought that i'd like to write a book, i'm not saying this is publishable.

i've been caught in my own head for the past week or so. i feel as though my heart has been on lockdown, with no one getting in or out. this creates a vicious downward spiral towards depression. while there's nothing exactly wrong with moving solely out of obedience to the Lord, there isn't a whole lot of joy in that. once you experience true joy and satisfaction in Him, nothing else with do. the bar continues to be raised, and i'm less and less satisfied with life as is. i never want to be satisfied with life as is.

as of may 1, i am full-time with illuminate. most days i just want to apply for a job for a steady income, but i'd be disobedient, no question about it. God has supplied everything i've needed thus far, but every day i still question Him. i wish i weren't like that.

i hate the word missionary. it's become a glorified term to describe someone who has a "special" call on their lives. now i think everyone has a special call on their lives, but every single Christian (a term to be discussed on another day) is called to be a missionary. every missionary i've met is a broken sinner, myself included. if you want to see your sin in all it's awful, hell-deserving reality, become a missionary. i just follow God, and not always joyfully or even willingly. i'm compelled. my flesh constantly wants to run the other direction.

we're taking pastors back to northern iraq in november. i will not just visit iraq once in my life. hopefully not just twice. this is why i get up in the morning: the hope of Christ being exalted in the nations.

i really miss italy. REALLY miss it. i haven't been back since STINT. my heart hurts when i pray for italians. Joshuaproject.org had an article a few weeks ago about Unreached Europe, and it was incredible. people from Sweden are the most resistant to the gospel, and Italians are the 10th most resistant in the world. Sweden is the toughest field in the world. the prayers of faithful saints need to soak the ground in Europe. God has to move.

i'm plagued with doubt, but when it comes down to it, there is nothing else i want to do with my life. God could call me somewhere else - and i want to stay open to that - but i believe God is stirring up awakening, and my heart burns for that day. the day when Jesus returns to His Bride, and says to each of us "well done, good and faithful servant."