the whole Earth shakes - processing a Fall Staring Day

The stillness of Fall always brings an unexplainable stillness to my soul. Maybe it's the pause before the deep cold, the last few glimpses of green, or the brilliant colors of death falling from trees. But every autumn I park myself near a window at some coffee shop where nobody knows my name just stare. I think about nothing, and rest in the rare contentment my heart feels. There's always a "song of the season," and this season has two - Milano by Sigur Ros and Hillsong's Hosanna.

Looking at the calendar, my most beloved annual events are approaching, with some new additions. Kingdom Thanksgiving & Michigan Game, shopping with my sisters, Christmas Date, Lights at the Toledo Zoo, and a babies shower for my soon-to-be-born twin nephews.

So much has changed since the last time I had my Fall Staring Day. I suppose that's the joy of my mid 20's - constant change. Someday maybe I'll yearn for more stability, more committment, but for right now, I'm content.

Actually, I hope life is never static. Here's to living a roller-coaster life for the One who brings change. Cin-cin.

if you're looking for something deep...

you won't find it here.

in keeping with my own ADD nightmare, i like to write in small, comprehensible-ish paragraphs, trying to keep my reader's (and my own) attention. if you're a carryover from the previous blog, you know my fondness for bullet points. i'm thinking they may be tacky, so i'm trying out small paragraphs.

working at the girl scouts has been a scary warning to me: let bitterness take root, and you will become like these women who surround you. true to the stereotype of my gender, i tend to hold grudges. i'd like to think i don't hold as many as most women, but i have them, and when i do, they are fierce. but seeing these middle-aged, mean, gossipy women has been a not-so-subtle rebuke.

i do not want to work here permanently. i have an interview for a job this week that i REALLY want, which would require me becoming a vegetarian, wearing only all-natural fibers, and attending every anti-war rally in the midwest.

a song by regina spektor has been in my head for days now. all i can think of is the melodic, simple piano in the background, and how i wish i could sit in a room all by myself and belt it out and play and all my problems would disappear.

catching my breath

from a cubicle at the girl scouts in columbus, i'm trying to figure out exactly what went wrong. there's no one to blame, no fingers to point, yet my mind can't rest without finding a reason that everything fell.

the next chapter of life is full of unwritten stories. instead of being paralyzed by the fear of the unknown, my heart is racing with freedom, excited to find something new to pour my heart into. God has been gracious to use the past year of my life to intensify a deep passion to see people of the world know Him - the healing, hope, and freedom in who He is, not what He brings.

but what good is a song if i write it? Jesus has written this song in my heart, and i sing it back to Him. my heart beats for only Him. that doesn't change, whether i'm organizing events for young girls, moving to uganda, or returning to iraq for the rest of my life.

despite the millions of things that have changed in my life just in the past month, He has never, and will never, change. and that's the only thing i'm sure of.

what God has brought together

some of my dear friends were married this weekend in the outer banks of north carolina. if i get married someday, this is what i'd want my wedding to be like. the first half of the wedding was more or less church. it was time spent in the presence of God. if there is worship music at weddings, where people are supposed to sing, people usually rat whisper and don't sing. not this time. i was overcome with emotion during most of the wedding, but especially during the music. it was loud, people were belting it out (including the bride and groom), and i was trying to sing through tears. there was no doubt they wanted the glory of God to be central not just at the wedding, but in their whole lives. i'll remember that day not only because jeff & kate got married, but because of what God communicated to my own heart:

• "what God has brought together" carries so much more weight than i realize. there's a huge amount of freedom in that.


• i find joy in really small things, especially in the lives of my friends, moreso than small things in my own life


• i left feeling more afraid of marriage than ever before, which is hard to imagine, but i think it's just because maybe i understand it a little better
  

i don't like war

i'm not pro-war. i don't stand with the president on a whole lot of things, one of which is the war in iraq. but one thing i really hate is when the media twists what is really going on there, and gives us the impression that iraqis hate americans, and that they were better off under saddam hussein.

in my short trip, i saw the kurdish people flourishing in their new-found freedom. construction is everywhere as they finally at least feel safe to rebuild their lives again. their is hope in their eyes. the oppression these people faced was awful - at least 2,500 villages were leveled, most by massive gas bombs. at the kurdish textile museum, there are rooms full of pictures of children strewn across the street, dead and eyes open, killed in the middle of a soccer game by a bomb. mothers carrying their babies, trying to flee the villages, lay dead alongside the roads, babies still in their arms.

maybe we didn't find weapons of mass destruction, but that doesn't mean everything else was okay. iranians still pour across the border in the name of jihad, trying to preserve the name of Allah.

i hate war. i believe there are more peaceful solutions, but i don't want to argue, or even calmly debate this. good things are happening in iraq. God is moving there in ways i have never seen or felt before. on Easter, the pope said that nothing good is happening in iraq. clearly he's never been.

who am i, that You are mindful of me?

Preface
I began a 40-day fast on June 1. I tell you this not to boast, but to clue you in on my state of mind over the past 33 days. Hopefully this post will communicate that it has not been easy, and God has often felt very far. Yesterday, I felt God near, and this is what came out.

7/2/07 - Zen Cha Tea Salon - Day 32

"Is hope really all that hard to come by? I don't think so. Our hope is for the Desire of nations. Our hope is the Healer of broken hearts, the Friend of sinners, the God of all encouragement, the Father of all comfort, the Lord of all hope. And it is my prayer that they eyes of your heart might be enlightened so that you might know this hope to which he has called you."
Joni Eareckson Tada, Suffering and the Sovereignty of God

I feel like this puts the past 32 days in perfect perspective. I have been totally miserable, and I have felt like You were distant, that this fast has been pointless. But I have felt Your breath on my face, You are so near. I have felt like my soul was abandoned, and then Your voice broke through, reassuring me that You never left. I have clung fiercely to the truth that You sing over me, that You are forever with me, even when my heart did not believe it.

You have whispered Your love to me in the darkest hour. You have made Yourself, the Desire of nations, the Desire of my heart. You saved me for Your name's sake, not because of any merit within myself. Glory is Yours for the joy in my heart.

Romans 8:18,19
For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the anxious longing of creation waits eagerly for the revealing of the sons of God.

LIFE.

if i want to write a book someday, i probably shouldn't neglect this. i write something most every day, but rarely does anyone see it besides me and God. so here's some nuggets about what my life has been like for the past month. by prefacing all of this with the thought that i'd like to write a book, i'm not saying this is publishable.

i've been caught in my own head for the past week or so. i feel as though my heart has been on lockdown, with no one getting in or out. this creates a vicious downward spiral towards depression. while there's nothing exactly wrong with moving solely out of obedience to the Lord, there isn't a whole lot of joy in that. once you experience true joy and satisfaction in Him, nothing else with do. the bar continues to be raised, and i'm less and less satisfied with life as is. i never want to be satisfied with life as is.

as of may 1, i am full-time with illuminate. most days i just want to apply for a job for a steady income, but i'd be disobedient, no question about it. God has supplied everything i've needed thus far, but every day i still question Him. i wish i weren't like that.

i hate the word missionary. it's become a glorified term to describe someone who has a "special" call on their lives. now i think everyone has a special call on their lives, but every single Christian (a term to be discussed on another day) is called to be a missionary. every missionary i've met is a broken sinner, myself included. if you want to see your sin in all it's awful, hell-deserving reality, become a missionary. i just follow God, and not always joyfully or even willingly. i'm compelled. my flesh constantly wants to run the other direction.

we're taking pastors back to northern iraq in november. i will not just visit iraq once in my life. hopefully not just twice. this is why i get up in the morning: the hope of Christ being exalted in the nations.

i really miss italy. REALLY miss it. i haven't been back since STINT. my heart hurts when i pray for italians. Joshuaproject.org had an article a few weeks ago about Unreached Europe, and it was incredible. people from Sweden are the most resistant to the gospel, and Italians are the 10th most resistant in the world. Sweden is the toughest field in the world. the prayers of faithful saints need to soak the ground in Europe. God has to move.

i'm plagued with doubt, but when it comes down to it, there is nothing else i want to do with my life. God could call me somewhere else - and i want to stay open to that - but i believe God is stirring up awakening, and my heart burns for that day. the day when Jesus returns to His Bride, and says to each of us "well done, good and faithful servant."